Reminder from Seventh Grade Me
Journal Entry #1:
“Insite was very awesome and it was a good time for the
Lord and me. At first I didn’t sing, but then I forgot everything around me,
and didn’t care what they said or thought. You are never too cool to praise
God. I think some people were just embarrassed about what other people would
think. I felt a lot more comfortable when I sang and I know when you praise
Him, He smiles. I am way too young for a boyfriend anyway and the only person I
love is the Lord, I think it’s a waste of time to date anyone. Really all it
does is ruin your friendship and you start to lose your trust as you grow
older.” – Seventh grade me
Insite was a week of worship
that my school (Liberty Christian) did right before Easter break. It was one of
the coolest things I have ever experienced and definitely one of the things I
missed about Liberty. It is 7 years later and I think it’s so funny that what I
wrote as a middle schooler still applies to me today. I am 19 now and these are
still my exact thoughts. First of all, I am surprised by how much I should have
listened to my younger self and also thankful for the reminder I have of this.
It is hard as a college student to see friends in seemingly perfect
relationships, getting engaged, talking about all the guys who talk to them,
marriage, and how they’re going to have children in five years. WHAT THE HECK
PEOPLE. I have struggled recently with the thoughts that I may never get
married because in order to do so it would require a guy to notice me. I don’t
know what made me write what I wrote as the seventh grade me, but clearly I was
dealing with some insecurities with the lack of attention from guys and it’s something
that I still struggle with, seven years later. Although it is hard to be
obedient to God’s calling for my life, I do believe that obedience brings
blessings and my decision to not settle will bring the right godly man in my
life *crosses fingers* Anywhos, that is extremely awkward to talk about,
but it’s relevant.
Another thing I loved that I
wrote is about me being vulnerable in worship. I don’t know about other people,
but for me this has always been a super hard thing for me to do. First of all,
I am terrible at singing and my worst nightmare was always when the singer
stepped away from the mic and you could hear the church sing…. I ALWAYS started
mouthing the words and stopped singing. Anywhos though.. I actually remember
sitting in my coach’s office and telling her this summer how I have begun to
sing and raise my hands in worship, which is honestly unheard of for me. I kind
of didn’t realize how big of a deal worship was until going through a breaking
point in my life where I filled holes in my life with all the wrong things and
completely left God out of it. I think when you are the most heart broken and
completely crushed the main desire is to feel whole and loved again. I will say
from experience that my healing process through the last seven months started
with worship. I feel the most loved, desired, purposeful, and worthy when I
experience Christ’s love through worship. I think when you just go through the
motions of going to church and maybe participating in singing and maybe not, it
is meaningless, although the seeds may be planted. But when you go to be
restored, healed, loved, and fed with the Word there is some sort of revival
that happens within your soul. When you really read the words on the screen and
think about the words you are declaring and singing out loud, it’ll have a
whole different meaning to you. Sometimes my expression of worship is through
tears and no words. God knows your heart and is pleased to see you offer up
your burdens in exchange for His love and the desire to know Him. I am so
serious, this may mean nothing to you or may be cheesy I don’t really know, but
it’s hard to put into words what I feel. You just have to experience it, which
is why I try to bring people to Church with me. Now with that being said, you
don’t have to experience the Holy Spirit only in Church, but there is something
special about hundreds of Jesus followers worshipping together, I am just
sayin. I feel most beautiful and the person who I am meant to be when I am in
worship of the Creator. I realize I am beautifully made, with purpose, and with
intention. My pastor, Robert Morris, talks a lot about the importance of
worship and how it prepares our heart and souls for the Word we are about to
receive. Actually, one of my teammates told me one day that she feels convicted
and loved all at the same time during worship. That’s the Holy Spirit, dude!!
And there’s nothing quite like it.
I am
thankful for my family, my friends, and everything I have. I am so thankful for
my sister, she is so cute and sweet. At school she is really shy, but at home
she is so funny. If she would just be herself around people, so many people would
love her. She is by far, my best friend. My brother is a big part of my life,
he supports me in all the things I do. I want to be a better sister to them,
because they have always been there for me.” – Seventh grade me
First of all, RT still. My
sister is still all of those things in my eyes and my brother is still
supportive of me in everything I do. One thing that I love about this writing
is that the part about my sister being shy is so false now! My sister is one of
the boldest and outgoing people I know now. She truly does not care what other
people think and I love that about her. She used to be one of those people who’d
dance or do something funny and the moment they realize you are trying to sneak
a video they stop and never do it again. Annoying. But nah, she tells me to
video her now. It is so great and I am so glad I have someone who can be goofy
with me and just not care. Now days, you will catch us blaring the speakers on
full volume at Target and videoing each other dancing, while people stare,
judge, laugh maybe, and we embarrass the employees all at the same time. My
sister brings so much joy and laughter into my life and I’m so thankful for
that. My brother is actually so supportive of me that he actually thinks I am
the girl version of LeBron James, and this is not a joke. I really don’t get
embarrassed, but I remember when I was younger being so embarrassed when my
brother would legit brag about me to other people that I was the best girls’
basketball player in the world and was so serious about it. No pressure or
anything. Geeze. I think it’s funny because even when I lose faith in myself or
start to lose confidence, whatever it is, I see my brother and he reminds me I
will be the number 1 draft pick in the WNBA and will probably dunk when I am
30. Thanks. The pressure in this sport is so real and is so high and honestly
being a girl makes that 10000x worse, but at the end of the day, I know that my
performance in this sport won’t alter my brother’s opinion of me and his vision
of my life. He is so cool and I love him so much for that, because that is true
unconditional love, which not a lot of athletes or “performers” have.
Jesus has called me to be a sister. My sister and I
are close. We get in fights sometimes, but I love her. Sometimes I make fun of
her or am mean to her for no reason. I know I shouldn’t, but sometimes I do.” –
Seventh grade me
Ok I stopped right there for
personal reasons lol. Anyways, though. This writing was so funny it made me
laugh and it is also STILL relevant, seven years later. I think til this day, I
still believe Jesus has called me to be a friend and to also be a sister.
Growing up I always had a lot of friends and was always told how great of a
friend I was, but honestly never really felt like I had any great friends in
return. This isn’t a cut down to anyone, because it’s obviously not true, but
it’s also an insecurity in my life that I have always had. The belief that
people get tired of me, betray me, leave me, all those things. I always prayed
for godly friends and really really prayed for a godly best friend. I always
had few girl friends and tons of guy friends when I was younger. It was just
because I really couldn’t relate and I still sometimes feel out of the loop. I
will say I have grown out of the tomboy stage for the most part, but I really
do feel uncomfortable being around lots of girls or especially if they are the
sorority, make-up, girly type. AHHH that is for real scary for me. Can’t
relate. Again, not a cut down, but I feel so judged and out of place. Guys
are.. I don’t know. I really don’t. I don’t have many guy friends now days
because we are on totally different pages 99% of the time. I think it is cool
that God has given me a gift to befriend just about anyone who breathes, but
with it comes a huge burden of feeling the pains, hurts, and burdens of others.
Recently I have felt lonely and super incapable to be loved, even as just a
friend. I have been praying for godly friends who can encourage me and bring me
towards Christ like I know I have been called to do for others, but it is hard
in the waiting process or searching process maybe. I am really thankful for the
people in my life who are an encouragement to me and remind me I am not the
lies that I sometimes believe of myself. The second part to this is being
called to be a good sister. I am not quite sure what qualifies one to be a good
sister, but I like to think of myself as one. In my opinion, a “good sister” is
one who prays for her siblings and truly wants success for them. I don’t envy
either of my siblings even if they out do me or are better than me at things. I
don’t talk about their business to anyone outside the family and I don’t set
them up for failure. Now, I am extremely rude, sarcastic, a brat, and selfish a
lot of the times with them. Honestly, there are so many times when I think I
have really grown up and matured and then I get around my siblings and find
myself fighting with them and realize I am still ten years old and have anger
issues hahaha. I really do feel a huge obligation to be the best sister I can
be to my siblings and appreciate them for everything they are to me. I would
take the blame for their wrong doings (unless it’s our parents) and would take
a bullet for them every time. I truly love them with everything I am and really
do regret anytime I have treated them poorly. Thankfully because of them I am
reminded I am one messed up broken person who needs help, but they love me
anyways. Thanks guys lol.
Journal Entry #4:
“Dear friend,
I know a life without Christ is a life that is never
fixed. One way, one truth, and one God. I know it’s hard with your family, but
God can help you through that. God will pick you up and put you on the path. If
you don’t have God, it’s a life that is lost. Acts 1:14: Continually pray. Even
if your parents are deaf, God still loves them and you. Dt. 6:13 Love Exodus
20:6 but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep
my commands. I am praying for you!
Sincerely,
Brooke Alexander” – Seventh grade me
To be honest, I don’t really
know if this can be taken as a condescending prayer or not, but I do know I
meant it from a genuine heart. There was a boy I spent half my child hood
dating (exaggeration) and I remember the burden I felt that no matter how hard
I tried to tell him about Jesus he wouldn’t give Him a chance. I talked about my
concern for him so much apparently that my teacher (Mrs. Marrs) told me I
should start praying for him. This was one of my prayers for him and I don’t
know where he is today or what is going on in his life, but he is one that I adamantly
prayed for. I thought this written prayer was really cool for me to see,
because he doesn’t know I have been praying for him, nor has he ever seen this,
but there is power within these words. Have you ever wondered how many people
have prayed for you, maybe never even met you, don’t even know your name, but
they saw you, maybe saw you crying or broken or in visible distraught, and they
stopped and prayed for you? I wonder this because this is what I do for others
because I totally get it. To the girl who was outside by the BSM building a
couple months ago crying on the phone telling her mom she lost her scholarship,
dude I prayed for you and I get it. To the mom whose child cussed her out in
the middle of Chick-fil-a and stormed out with him, holy cow.. I’m sorry and I totally
get it. To the transgender who sits on the bench across the UC with his head
down, I pray you find Christ’s love and find your identity in knowing Jesus. To
the couple arguing in the car beside me at the red light, I get it and I’m
praying! We all need it, who cares if I know you or not, I care about you and
know the Lord is convicting me to pray for you. I really do wonder how many
people pray for me every single day or who is a part of the blessings I have in
my life because they prayed them over me. Whoever you people are, thank you!!
Your prayers have worked I know because I have made it through some tough crazy
stuff. A few months ago I prayed for breakthrough for one of my friend’s lives
and I prayed so hard that I bawled my eyes out in public!! That’s deep, but you
know, I wonder if anyone has ever prayed that prayer for me. Because if they
did, it is working, and the words that they spoke into life are helping me
becoming the woman I am called to be. The power of prayer is so much more
powerful than I think we realize and if you really sit down to think about it
and all the people that God can impact through you; it’ll really make your
brain hurt.
These are all super random
little topics, but all topics that have been on my heart recently, and I
thought it was really cool that seven years later I could open this up, read
these words, and sort of be motivated that my insecurities, short-comings, and
brokenness is not who defines who I am and what I can do, but despite of them,
I can do great things because God allows those things to widen my horizons and
the people He will touch through my life experiences. I hope the transparency
and vulnerability you just read didn’t make you feel awkward, but encourages
you that you are not alone if you deal with any of these particular issues and
I know from experience that putting full dependence on people, performance, even
pleasing people, will only leave you more deprived and empty. I heard a quote
today in a sermon that said, “When you believe the lies you empower the liar.”
Don’t empower the liar, but instead believe your Creator, who created you, was satisfied
with you, and breathed life into you. You are not defined by what others think
or say of you, you have no flaw in God’s eyes. People may judge you, break you,
hurt you, but despite the judgment, the brokenness, the hurt, let God use that
to minister to others and don’t be afraid to admit those things. Confession
brings freedom and the Lord blesses what is pleasing to Him. Today I had the
thought of Jesus himself seeing me in the middle of my sin and His arms opened
to me. Would I continue the sin right in front of him or would I reach out
towards Him? I think we can get so caught up in ourselves and the things we
selfishly want, but when we put it into perspective, what do we really want?
This visual in my mind today made me realize a lot of the things I think I want
in the moment or that I think are important in the moment are really so
irrelevant and so not worth giving up my soul and my commitment to follow Jesus
whole-heartedly. Stay strong and ask God for strength, wisdom, courage, and be
intentional to do and say things that would be pleasing to Him, even when it’s
hard. The more you seek God, the more you’ll find Him, and the more you find
him, the more you’ll love Him. I promise knowing and loving your Creator is not
something you’ll regret and it determines your eternal future.
Middle School me:
College me:
Comments
Post a Comment