My "New" York Life

I wanted to write about one of the best days of my life and what led me up to that weekend. If you didn’t know, I moved to New York 3 months ago after not knowing where I’d be living a month prior to that. A lot was happening. I decided to take a different route for my last year of basketball and the search for a new home began in April. I knew God told me he had something “more for me” but didn’t realize how big it was until now and even now I really still don’t know just yet. 

Anyways, I’ll skip all the details and get to now. My best friend’s name is Kelsey. My best friend and I are both transfers. To be really honest I love change, it doesn’t mean it’s super easy for me, but I love new adventures. Kels is the opposite. She likes routines, consistent patterns, and being comfortable with plans. A word was preached to the both of us all last year that “everyone’s path is different”. We didn’t like that. Well I don’t want to speak for Kelsey, but I certainly didn’t like it. Sometimes I don’t think life has to be that complicated. Sometimes people really do have an affect on your experiences and your opportunities. Sometimes you can be 100% yourself and it’ll still never be good enough. So sometimes change is good. For both parties. It allows us the opportunities we deserve, the people we need, and the reevaluation of ourselves. 

Kelsey Johnson, the best friend.

The scary part about change is not knowing if what you want to change will actually change. What if it’s worse? What if I don’t grow? So many questions enter our minds. I think it’s a good thing. Doubt is a good thing. It helps lead us to answers. It questions if what we are doing is authentic. Is this really something to believe in? Am I really doing the right thing? Doubt leads us to more assurance. I mean even in Scripture we label Thomas as “doubting Tom” just because he didn’t believe Jesus was back from the dead. I mean really people? If you were him, would you?? Jesus didn’t show up and say wooooow Thomas, seriously? You didn’t believe that after I was beaten so badly that nobody could recognize my face, I rose from the grave that you watched me be buried in? So, if Jesus didn’t do that, why do we? Jesus showed up and said, put your hands where the holes are. Don’t doubt anymore, believe. His doubt led to complete assurance. Sometimes we have to let God show us how real He is. So, we can stop pretending that every scary decision we make is 100% full of confidence and happiness. Let’s get real. Leaving a relationship is scary. Entering a new one is scary. Starting college is scary. Leaving home is scary. Transferring schools is scary. Leaving your hometown school to be in New York by yourself is terrifying. I would always regret if I didn’t make this decision just based off of fear. 

When I made this decision a lot of people left my life. Some I knew I’d lose; some were surprises. One thing I asked God throughout all of this was to not only take me to a place that I could have the best year of basketball yet, but to remove anyone who would hinder me from being all in with Him. Anyone who wasn’t for me and had any malicious intentions for me, people who were selfish and used me for their benefit, I wanted them out. So, when people revealed their true colors to me, I was disappointed, but I didn’t question it. That is actually the hardest thing for me. I want to fix everything. I want to hold onto every relationship and every person and make sure they are happy at all times. But as long as I am doing that, I am living outside of myself. I am no longer the savior in people’s lives. I let go of being 24/7 access to everybody at all times. It revealed to me not only who was healthy in my life, but what I truly needed to be more efficient in everyday life. 

One of the highlights in all of this has been the gift of friendship, despite the heartache of losing some. Not everyone is meant for the next chapter in your life. But it highlights the loyalty of those who choose you, not because they need or want anything from you for personal gain, but because they are whole enough to want you as a friend with no conditions attached. There’s nothing needed of me, nothing I could do to earn or lose it, just a friendship because it’s a gift. The story of friendship in this chapter of my life has played a big role of growth for me. I have some really amazing friends, but my closest friend that is like family to me is Kels. It is crazy all of the highs and lows we’ve been through together in our 3 years of friendship. Redshirting together in a time I thought I’d have to redshirt alone. I couldn’t have without her. I’d take credit for cheering on the bench in film when it was really her HAHA. Thank you kels ;) All of the times she’d rebound for me while I got mad at myself for missing one free throw out of like 50?? All of the times she’d sit in the car and listen to my rants about the most random topics of life and she’d just nod her head. And the moment we both accepted something we didn’t really want to do, which was leave the place we’d been for three years. Kelsey’s journey through heartache and joys in finding Christ has helped her be a better friend to me in a time I needed that. In times when I am low, her relationship with God influences me to strengthen mine. Kelsey is seriously the most determined and stubborn person I have ever met. I admire her for her strength despite everything she’s encountered. She is dependable and consistent, even when those around her aren’t. She doesn’t voice when she’s hurt. She doesn’t resent the people who hurt her. She just takes note and literally says the words “I don’t care” (even if she does) and moves on. She has helped me in my learning process of a thing called boundaries. I will also be making a “I don’t care” T-shirt available for purchase inspired by Kelsey, in case anyone is interested. 

Kelsey teaching me how to pose for Instagram.

After everything we’ve been through in the past 6 months. Break ups, losing people, moving states, moving schools, changing teams, going into nursing and grad school. A lot of change has encountered, but one gift God gave me in all of it has been the friendship of Kels and the maturity and growth I’ve gotten to witness from seeing her as an 18-year-old to a 21-year-old. And the growth she has seen in me as living a double lifestyle into an authentic lifestyle. This friendship wasn’t just to help me get through hard times or to use me to help her through hers. This friendship has been a reflection of the grace of my Father. The timing is so intentional from the time we met, to the redshirt season, to entering relationships we thought would bring both of us marriage ending in heartbreak, to the changing of our schools. 

So, a couple of weeks ago when Kelsey flew alone for the first time (woah) to come visit me at my new home, it was a reminder for me that even though life isn’t what we envisioned it to be three years ago, there is still grace in things like a friendship. We took on a new adventure together in driving to New York city and back in one day. We didn’t see any shows. We didn’t buy any clothes. Nothing fancy, we just had THE BEST PIZZA EVER and walked around looking at how crazy everything was. 

But it was the best day. Nothing was more meaningful to me than the fact that she was just there. She’s still there. I think friendship is one of the best things in this life. A true friend that loves at all times. They choose you even when you don’t want to do something spectacular. When you’re not at your best or not on top, they are in the trenches with you. They don’t leave you when times get tough or it is inconvenient for them. They don’t guilt you when you have nothing to give. They don’t expect anything from you. They just are there. That has been the most valuable thing to me through all of this. It not only shows the strength and maturity in Kels, and because her character is so strong, but it really displays to me the grace of my Father. He gave me Kels when he didn’t have to. He gave me a friend to remind me who I am when I forget. And a friend to come all the way to New York for less than 48 hours just to say, “I’m here.” 

This has been the craziest journey of getting to a new place. Even within being here for less than a full year, I am about to enter into a new “season.” The NYC weekend was just a reminder to me that there’s nothing I need to do or be to be “enough” for some people, some will see me for me, and that’ll be simply enough.